King Critical Tells It Like It Is
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Location, location, location.
The following is a classified ad for an apartment that I found on Craigslist back in March. I printed it out and it has been hanging on my refrigerator ever since. But I'm moving, and the printout has seen better days, so I'm not taking it with me. I will publish it here for posterity, because it's the best real estate listing I've ever seen.
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$150000 - Unique Studio in West Village
Reply to: anon-25572203@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-03-02, 7:52PM EST
Gorgeous STUDIO Condominium in the heart of the west village.
• $150K
• cc+tax $340
317 sq ft. Has no sink, but there is a bathtub. Toilet is in the kitchen -- it doubles as counter space. No windows, but there is a skylight on top of the bathtub. This is convenient because the skylight tends to leak on really rainy days. Great deal for the right buyer. LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION.
Map: 12th and 6th ave
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commerical interests
this is in or around 6th and 12th
25572203
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Another great spam headline...
"U R Stupid Dumbass If U Pay Retail Pri-cee For Softwares particularly author sit"
Thank you, Mariette Rosena.
Friday, May 07, 2004
Hey, check it out. On CNBC they have this cool poll. They are asking, "Should Rumsfeld resign?"
You can answer "yes" or "no."
The shit is really hitting the fan at the White House today.
Monday, March 29, 2004
Second-Best Spam Subject Line Ever
"Re: lets get fucked up tonight on pharm products"
This one came from one "Wilton Walker." Keep 'em coming, ad wizards. I love it.
Friday, March 19, 2004
"We have found it impracticable to successfully place your application in the area designated for application files for which we have a positive outlook"
or
"Harvard to Russo: Drop Dead."
My friend was rejected from the Harvard graduate economics program. The letter said that they were "unable to take favorable action with respect to [his] application."
Folks, we've reached a new low when it comes to euphemisms and consultant-ese. I don't imagine it hurts any less when someone expresses a negative in positive-sounding terms.
This exercise will drive you crazy.
While sitting, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
While making clockwise circles with your foot, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will turn counter-clockwise, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Best. Spam Subject Line. Ever.
"Do you know what is Hand-Job? It's very hot action! Read inside! =)"
Almost as good is the sender's name: "Ferdinand Flanagan." Who thinks of this stuff?
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
DSNY
New York City has alternate-side of the street parking rules for street cleaning. Whenever it snows, these rules are suspended for "snow removal." As far as I can tell, though, the Department of Sanitation's snow-removal strategy is to let the snow melt.
So cars remain in their parking spaces for days on end. Garbage, salt, and gravel collect in the gutter and between the traffic lanes and parking lanes. The condition is hell on cyclists, who ride along the side of the road.
It also makes one feel as if he lives in a sty. Honestly, I enjoy in my neighborhood a certain level of "grit" (as the New York Times would put it, in an article on the Next Big Neighborhood), but the amount of garbage that piles up when the streets go unswept for a few days is appalling. Get off your keisters, DSNY.
Long Way to the Top
I was thinking the other day that I ought to pick up my guitar. Truth be told, I've been enjoying the break from playing music—it's been nice for a spell to not have the obligations that come with a band. I've been reading more, and learning, and doing lots of Poekoelan training, and enjoying the lack of routine.
New York City has been nice as of late, considering that it's February. But spring can't come too soon. With it comes a freshness to the city that I relish. One of my favorite days each year is the first on which I can ride my bike in shortsleeves. So I say to you, Mother Nature: BRING IT ON!
Thursday, December 18, 2003
AirTrain: Lessons in Government and What not to Do
The long-awaited maiden voyage of the Port Authority's "Air Train" to Kennedy International happened yesterday. I could have told you four years ago that this project would be a disaster.
On first glance, it would seem that every decision that the Port Authority makes is obtuse. However, if you look at the organization's motivation, you can see they merely are being self-serving. The Authority has the power to make far-reaching decisions that affect some 15 million people, but the decisions are always in the primary interest of the Port Authority and the secondary interest of the people of the City of New York (not to mention the millions of international travelers who pass through Kennedy and Newark every year). Air Train is a perfect example.
When the idea for this project was conceived, the PA blanched at the suggestion that MTA subways or commuter rails would be allowed into the airport. If the PA were to allow others into their sphere, that would be a concession; they would lose some amount of control. To the PA, it matters more that they retain every bit of power than that they meet the needs of the people. Folks: I give you AirTrain.
The PA insisted on building a train that they could keep in their little world. They built the infrastructure specifically so that it would not be compatible with NYC subway or Long Island Railroad cars. The train goes along on its little loop in Queens, nowhere near Manhattan. Essentially, it is a glorified inter-terminal shuttle or tram—except that it costs five dollars a ride.
The purpose of building rail infrastructure into and through an airport is to give travelers a one-seat ride to the central city. Even if the ride takes an hour, travelers do not want to transfer or walk far when traveling with luggage. With AirTrain, travelers use the subway or LIRR to get to a point in Queens, then transfer to the AirTrain, giving them a two-seat ride at best. When you consider that the average traveler will need to change subway lines at least once, or get to Penn Station for the LIRR, the trip becomes a three- or four-seat ride. Sadly, the only one-seat ride to Kennedy (or LaGuardia for that matter) remains a cab or car service.
The Port Authority should never have gotten away with this boondoggle. They did because they answer to no one. Amazingly, the New York Times credits the PA, even though the idea is half-baked at best. Here are some nuggets from today's New York Times article on this mess:
Before a phalanx of cameras, Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg and Gov. George E. Pataki stepped off the AirTrain into the gleaming new terminal in Jamaica, a few hours before it opened to the public.
But the carefully choreographed moment was marred when the new train's stainless steel doors closed too quickly on Mr. Bloomberg, causing him to stagger. He was caught by Mr. Pataki.
This is New York City, not Disney World. But the AirTrain is run by computers, likely because to man the train would be another expense.
Transit advocates and politicians have long sought a "one-seat ride" directly from Manhattan to Kennedy Airport.
True. The problem, though, is that the PA ignored the advice of transit advocates on the design.
But community opposition and expense forced the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey to settle on the compromise version that opened yesterday.
An outright falsehood. The PA did not "settle" on anything. They railroaded their design through with no regard for anyone but themselves.
[The AirTrain] can move at 50 miles per hour, and links the airport's nine terminals. But commuters coming from Manhattan, especially those taking the subway, must still endure a long ride and transfer.
As I said above, AirTrain is a glorified shuttle bus.
"Now you can go to Penn Station and less than 45 minutes later be ready to get on your airplane," Governor Pataki said yesterday.
Thanks, George. So after I pay two dollars for a half-hour subway ride to Penn Station, I can switch trains again to take the LIRR, which will cost me another seven dollars. And when I get to Jamaica, I can switch trains again and pay another five dollars to get to the airport, 45 minutes after my arrival at Penn Station. Good thing I travel light. Are you sure you want to take all the credit for the project?
According to the Port Authority, taking the Long Island Railroad from Penn Station to Jamaica, Queens, and then the AirTrain to the Airport should take 35 minutes, at a total cost of $11.75.
But on the subway, the same trip—either an E train to Jamaica or an A train to the second AirTrain station in Howard Beach, Brooklyn—takes an hour or more and costs a total of $7. The AirTrain alone is $5.
Sounds well worth the time, money, and effort.
Many credit Governor Pataki with pushing through the scaled-back plan despite criticism that the $1.9 billion cost was too high for something that was not even a one-seat ride.
Yesterday, an exultant Mr. Pataki said: "We said: 'Enough of the studying. It's time to build. It's time for action.' "
You tell them, George. Even if it's ill-conceived, we'll build it. 1.9 billion? That's a drop in the bucket.
The effort to win approval for this plan was not easy. The Port Authority hired a team to lobby the City Council and three community boards. It also had to go to court for the right to use $1.3 billion of its share of revenue from a $3 fee assessed on all air travelers. Airline industry groups had contended that the money should be used only on the airport grounds.
"It really was persuasion on every level," said Robert Boyle, the former executive director of the Port Authority who oversaw the project before he left in 2001.
